That's when I realized I'm an idiot for reading the Twilight series.
The first book was incredibly bad. Like, the writing was laughable. And I'll cut Stephenie Meyer a lot of slack since it's her first book, but it sounds like it was written for a middle school audience. If Christ died for the sins of the world (AND HE DID), a lot of his suffering had to pay for the shittiness of Twilight.
These books MUST belong in the Young Adult section, right? I have never cringed (literally cringed) at bad writing before, but this got to me...
"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, distracted.
"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full -- of butterflies.
Seriously, that's something I would have Duncan write in an episode of Cakey!, and Duncan's intelligence is retardedly below average.
If I was smarter, I would've marked all my favorite lines (one about how the main character is so meek, she makes the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator... yet the word "terminator" isn't capitalized for some reason), just to relive the wonder.
But wait! There's more! I also hate the characters. They're both sulky, self-obsessed, whiny, and though the protagonist is supposed to be like this ugly duckling, EVERYONE falls in love with her ALL the time. Yeah, buddy!
It makes me imagine a girl who has a boring, plain, miserable Mormon high school life, and she thinks, "Wouldn't it be nice if a vampire fell in love with me? A beautiful vampire? And everyone likes me? And we have adventures and fall in love? Sigh!" And then she writes a book that the world inexplicably goes gaga over.
I get it, wish fulfillment is fun, and we're all guilty of it to some degree, but come on!
And then I guess their "love" (for the first two books at least) seems to be so much teen angst and fighting over "I want to be a vampire!" "Never!" that I wonder, when do these two have fun together? What do they enjoy about each other? Other than the LoveLoveLoveLoveHeSmellsGoodThisIsLOVE that gets hammered into us time and time again, what do they have in common? When do they make each other laugh? How can she not be annoyed with him being a prick 19 pages out of 20?
I just don't get it, but then again, I'm not 14 anymore. And I feel bad for the youth of today who might take these two as role models for what relationships and romance should be like. Being a teenager is ridiculous. It is. That's life. But this is such a caricature of a caricature that it makes the Zach Morris/Kelly Kapowski love affair look like the Corey Matthews/Topanga Lawrence relationship.
Oh, and there are these references to Romeo and Juliet, and I'm like, "Really? You're gonna go there? You're gonna quote Shakespeare? And put yourself into Juliet's shoes and throw in another character as Paris and gagagooey?"
Last gripe (and I hate to be a hater, I'm more of a celebrater): The books are about 66% angsty crap, then 2/3 of the way in, it turns into an adventure. Like the editor was like, "Uh-oh! We forgot to add a story! Throw in a danger!" And it either gets taken care of or it doesn't, who cares, they like to sit and hold each other, and maybe, MAYBE something will happen next time.
So what does this have to do with the Year of Yes?
As I stared at my stupid face in the subway window, outraged over the weak-ass ending (weaker even than Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when Hagrid gets a standing ovation for... not being guilty?), I decided that enough's enough.
I'm not gonna read the rest of the Twilight series. It'll be hard, because I really enjoy hating them, but I can't do this to my mind and soul and imagination. It the exact opposite of only eating Dunkin Donuts waffle sandwiches.
Sure, I'll read the Wikipedia entries so I know what happens, but I'm not gonna waste any more time and eye strain on Bella Swan, my least favorite protagonist ever (is that a true statement? I think it is! I can't think of someone else that I'm like, "Who the eff are you, and why should I care about your so-called suffering?").
Sometimes Yes means No, and in this case, I'm freeing myself from the drek that's happening in Forks, Washington.
(I still might put the movie on my Netflix, though. I just have to see how it turned out.)
And before you say "Haters gotta hate," Stephen King agrees with me! And that man wrote a helluva great vampire story.
Oh, and his interview reminded me of another thing: They can kiss, but (because good girls don't, I imagine), they can never have sex. They never talk about her getting all hot and bothered, because this is for kids, after all. Even if vampires are about sex, they downplay the passion of their kissing so it's really pure Love and it makes me wonder if the author had any experience with making out as a teen.
It's almost like all the awesome and vibrant possibilities of a vampire love affair have been neutered by Mr. Revise of Jack of the Fables (an odd reference, I know) and turned into this treacly, weak-ass, PG-rated poem with hearts dotted over the I's, so that it no longer has any power or meaning at all.
No, thanks!
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If you don't want to do it, and you don't have to do it, don't do it! Twilight sounds as lame as Grey's Anatomy, for the same reasons.
ReplyDeleteOk, so yes, I am a Twilight fan. But I will say that I actually think the movie is way better than the book. And I think having seen the movie first helps, because Kristin Stewart's attractiveness distracts from what an idiot Bella is. And I agree with you that Bella is an idiot. And the writing is not great writing. But I still like it. I can see how someone wouldn't, and it's not something I'd get all worked up defending like Chipotle or cats.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Bella does try to do it with him a bunch in Eclipse (I haven't read Breaking Dawn yet).
Oh God, it just occurred to me that her name is Beautiful Swan!
ReplyDelete1. Kristin Stewart is cute, but she has this weird head shake thing going on that I found immensely distracting. Also, the special effects are mind-blowingly horrible. Like, REALLY REALLY LAUGHABLY BAD.
ReplyDelete2. That said, Erica and I are planning to watch it again and you could join us if you want.
3. The thing that makes me madder than anything else about these books is how tragically uninteresting Bella is. She has no hobbies (other than, it seems, reading Wuthering Heights over and over again). None. She is not particularly clever, she is not a good judge of character, she is pretty much a huge whining baby who spends all her time jumping to conclusions (the WRONG conclusions) and throwing herself pity parties. She's awful.
4. The "love" that Bella and Edward share is supposedly this sort of otherworldly thing, stronger than the love most regular people feel. It would appear that love manifests itself in controlling, assholish, juvenile behavior.
5. But you do know these ARE YA books, right?
6. All that said, I love love loved reading the series. Note I said "reading" the series. I found them totally engrossing and I loved to be made crazy by them. Much to my horror, I found myself actually wishing I was reading them, months later, when I was reading vastly superior works of fiction. Boy, those books got their tenterhooks in me good.
7. Offline (no spoilers here) I will tell you more about vampire sex.
1. Yes, I'd love to watch the movie with you guys. I want to see how they make him shiny. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SUNLIGHT MAKES HIM SHINY!
ReplyDelete2. I didn't know this is a YA series. It just seemed immature. But knowing it belongs in that category makes it a little bit more aceptable.
3. There is nothing you could tell me about vampire sex that I don't already know.
SPARKLY. EDWARD. GETS. SPARKLY.
ReplyDelete