Post-Disney Interview with Sarah (Part IV)

And so we reach the final, long-awaited chapter in our Disney Adventure: Animal Kingdom.

K: We started out at the Rainforest Cafe for lunch. You'd never heard of this place, but I'm very familiar with it - we had one at Sawgrass Mills. What'd you think?

S: I made friends with an elephant.


K: This place must be a lot of fun for kids, but so annoying for everyone else. Every 15 minutes, the animals come to life, and every 20 minutes, there's a thunderstorm.

S: Actually, the kids didn't seem to be having a lot of fun.

K: Did you like it, though?

S: It was OK. It was funny. They had the best stuff in the gift shop, it was ridiculous.


K: And then we went into the park itself. First stop: Dinosaur!

S: That was cool.

K: Why?

S: Dinosaurs!

K: So you liked this ride?

S: Yeah.

K: It wasn't too scary?

S: No, you said it was going to be scary. And I did see a little kid crying on their way out.

K: But sometimes it moves fast, that's what I'm talking about.


S: I thought it was exciting, actually, unlike most of them. They used the effects to make it exciting, but not scary.

K: So then we went to the Asia animal trail. It was nice! It's very zoo-like there, and zoos are fun.

S: True.

K: This is where we saw tigers and bats.


S: We saw some ridiculous tourists. The "Nowhere Butt Hawaii" guy [he was wearing a t-shirt featuring airbrushed bikini babes in thongs] who kept on saying all the animals were "good eatin'."

K: They probably were. But what about the tigers and bats? Any comment?

S: I liked them. And they had a mouse that was pretty cool.

K: All right. After that we went on the Kilimanjaro Safaris, featuring the most sarcastic tour guide ever.

S: Yeah, he was sarcastic.

K: But good! It was a lot of fun, and we sat in the front row!

S: Yep. We were the only people in the front row. It was fun. I thought we were gonna be better friends with the people at the end, but we all just went our separate ways.

K: What?

S: Remember the rapport we all had?

K: Oh, right. Some of those people were very chatty and jokey.

S: Actually, they were kind of obnoxious.

K: But we got really close to a rhino! And some deer or I don't know what they are.


S: That rhino is awesome. It was coming up to us. And it was big and cool. I like animals.

K: I like turtles.

K: And then we went to the Africa animal trail, where we saw that deer get on its hind legs.


S: That was adorable. Wait, that's where that ["Nowhere Butt Hawaii"] man was. Because he said that about the deer and some birds that we saw after that.

K: Right, that's right. And they had some gorillas, which I don't think I'd seen before, but it was pretty amazing.

S: I think people who don't love animals like I do get a kick out of gorillas, because they seem like people, only, you know, bigger and different. To me, we're all part of a global community...

(I give her a weird look.)

S: Hey, I'm trying to sound good for once. I liked the mouse, and I liked the gorillas.

K: I liked 'em, too! They were really big, and their faces are creepily expressive.

S: Mm-hmm, their eyes.


K: And in this week's episode of Survivor: Gabon, they went to Africa's Eden, a gorilla sanctuary. It was pretty impressive. You decided not to go on Expedition Everest.

S: Yeah, I watched about 12 of those cars go down the mountain, and I decided to not risk throwing up.

K: It wasn't that bad. I don't think the drop was as bad as Splash Mountain.

S: Really?

K: Yeah.

S: But it goes right into a turn afterward. That was the part I was worried about.

K: I didn't think it was that bad.


S: Plus, I didn't want to experience the fear of waiting in line and knowing I can't get off the ride, like I did on Splash Mountain.

K: With our FastPasses, I just waited like seven minutes each time. It was neat!

S: I would rather you have a good time twice than have you have a good time once with me possibly not.

K: That's very nice of you. That was about all we did, really. It was mostly a relaxing day in a zoo, with some rides. But I really liked Animal Kingdom! Anything else you want to say?

S: We didn't do anything else?

K: No, we just walked the animal trails. Oh, but we never talked about Downtown Disney!

S: True.

K: Downtown Disney had Earl of Sandwich...

S: Which was the highlight of your trip.

K: That was the best damn sandwich I've ever had in my life. It was the Holiday Special, with turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce. I wish to God I had taken a picture of it. I am not kidding when I say it was one of the finest meals I've ever had.

S: I actually enjoyed Downtown Disney, 'cause I like stores. And they had some pretty weird stuff.

K: Like what? The Ariel doll?

S: That was weird. It was weird that someone had, well, you know... undressed it.

K: And weirder still was that just one of the many baby Ariel dolls appeared to be anatomically correct. The Little Mermaid vagina. I just typed that so weirdos can find us on Google. Here's a pic!


S: Also, it was pretty cute watching the kids play in the fountain.

K: I ran through it! Remember? And I didn't get wet. Also, they had a Lego store.

S: Yeah, if I recall, you got scared in that store. You got scared a lot at Downtown Disney.

K: I sure did. It was weird and different. And nighttime.


S: And at Downtown Disney, I got to see my only triple [meaning a Disney character dressed up as something else as something else]. Well, some kind of merchandise representing three different...

K: Incongruous things?

S: Yeah. Like, I saw a lot of, you know, Holiday Mickey, or Pirate Mickey, but no Holiday Pirate Mickey.

K: I wanted to see Minnie Mouse as the Virgin Mary giving birth to Pluto, but that didn't exist. However, we did get the triple...


K: It's Disney characters as Tower of Terror characters and they're also sort of Clue characters.

S: Better than nothing.

K: I don't understand why they used Pete instead of Pluto.

S: He's a dog. Dogs can't be...

K: Pluto could've been the bellhop, instead.

S: Dogs can't be bellhops.

K: Pluto would make a better bellhop than Goofy. Goofy, as that kid said, is a weirdo. I also would've liked to have seen...

S: You wanted to see Kermit Mickey.

K: That would have been the stuff of nightmares. Anyway, that was our trip! Any final thoughts on the complete package that is Walt Disney World?

S: At least I know what you're talking about now.

K: Do you miss it?

S: Actually, I was thinking about it earlier today.

K: Oh?

S: I was thinking about what a good time you had, and how it was nice to watch you have fun. I guess now I know what it's like to have a kid.

K: I'm a big boy. Do you want to go again next year?

S: No.

K: Too bad. I'm taking you there for your birthday.


Oh, Disney World! I miss you already! I wish I was there right now. But we'll always have this flickr set to remember the good times. I'll close with a picture of all we could see during the parade at Animal Kingdom.

The End.

Post-Disney Interview with Sarah (Part III)

The Magic Kingdom - the mother of the four theme parks!

We went twice, once during the Extended Hours when the place was open 'til 2 a.m., and again the next day. Unfortunately, we didn't get a lot done (we spent a lot of time riding the train around the park), because Sarah was feeling sick most of the day, and I didn't want to drag her around. Also, it was pretty crowded, and that always gets my goat.

Anyway, let's get to the interview. Take us away, Dumbo!


K: Ah, the Magic Kingdom! What did you think?

S: It was the most typically Disney. It was what I expecting, with all the rides based on characters.

K: Well, we started out at the Carousel of Progress.


S: Oh, yeah. That was not what I meant.

K: Yeah, I know. Did you like it?

S: Um... Not really. It was ridiculous, I don't know.

K: But didn't you like their weird view of the future?

S: No, I definitely did not. It seemed like this old-fashioned thing, and then all of a sudden, it turned into just outdated.

K: They actually mentioned laser discs and car phones as being cutting-edge. CAR PHONES!

S: That was painful to watch.

K: But the rest of it's good. And the song.

S: That song got stuck in my head for days.

K: And what's wrong with that?

S: It's too short to be stuck in one's head, unless there's a bridge I don't know about.

K: Maybe "Man has a dream, and that's the start..."

S: No, that's part of what got stuck in my head. Oh, yeah, you were singing and everyone turned around to look at you. That was the most attention you got.

K: The ride was practically empty.

S: You were singing before the guy started.

K: It's a good song! After that, we went on Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin, and you hated it.


S: I didn't hate it. I didn't hate the ride, I just didn't have a good experience because I didn't know how to do it.

K: Yeah, the guns are hard to aim, you just gotta keep an eye out...

S: I thought it was broken for half the ride, because they didn't explain there wasn't going to be a pointer all the time.

K: But you scored better than that little kid!

S: I scored three times what that little kid got, and you scored... 100 times what that little kid got.

K: More than that, actually. I've been playing for a while. And we also took advantage of the shorter lines at the Haunted Mansion. Did you like that?


S: Yeah, I did. It was spooky, but... it was sombre, you know, not terrifying.

K: What was your favorite part?

S: The new [attic] part, with the woman and the husbands, because it gave you the best story, I think. That's what I usually look for. You see the first one, and you're like, "What is this?" Then you see more and more, and then she [the bride] basically tells you. But it was visually interesting, and you get a sense of story.

K: We also went on Peter Pan's Flight in Fantasyland.

S: That was... You made that out to be one of the best things ever, I feel.

K: Well, it's extremely popular.

S: But it just seemed normal. You feel like you're flying, I guess, but not like Soarin', where you actually feel like you're flying. You've gotta have an imagination, which I don't have.

K: Dreamfinder and Figment told us that imagination is something that belongs to all of us.

S: OK. I didn't go on that version of Journey Into Imagination.

K: I know, and I'm sorry. Do you remember anything about It's a Small World?


S: It was more chaotic than I thought. Everyone was happy. I was expecting segments for different parts of the world, rather than a giant room full of everybody singing and dancing in various languages at the same time.

K: But each room is a continent.

S: I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't told me. Ask me what I learned.

K: What did you learn from it?

S: (Laughs) I learned that hula girls always wink, across the globe, in every country. It's universal.

K: Fair enough. They made the castle to look like it has icicles.


S: I liked when the little boy said, "That's so pretty." That was one of the highlights of the whole trip, because I was surrounded by this, like, Disney romance, you know, man/woman, prince/princess, little girls dressed up like Cinderella and little boys in stupid, dumb-ass t-shirts, you know. It was a really gendered place, and I wasn't expecting to hear a little boy to say that. And it's true, it was pretty.

K: It was. I was really impressed. We came back the next day and had lunch at Tony's Town Square Restaurant.

S: It was nice of the chef to make something special [to accommodate her vegan diet], but it wasn't that great. It might've been what made me feel sick. I feel bad saying that.

K: He was incredibly nice, though. And at least we got to see Mary Poppins outside!


S: OK.

K: We went on The Enchanted Tiki Room: Under New Management, any thoughts on that?

S: I was annoyed by the two new birds [Zazu and Iago]. Especially the comedian.

K: Which one is that?

S: Iago, right?

K: Yeah. The show was better without them.

S: Sounds that way.

K: Also, they look weird compared to the other birds. They look like they're made of plush toys or Muppets.

S: The red one looked like he was made of Telly Monster.


S: During our stay in Adventureland, we also went on Pirates of the Caribbean.

S: I liked the sleeping pig.

K: Why?

S: It was funny.

K: And what about the rest of the ride?

S: It was interesting. I like pirates. Apparently I don't have a lot to say, huh?

K: Nope. (Laughs) Adventureland was fun, though. I bought a little treasure chest full of six-sided dice (over 70!), made you try on a pirate hat, we did the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse, and I got a Dole Whip.


S: How was it?

K: Delicious! What else was there? Splash Mountain, we already talked about that.

S: Yep, I remember.

K: And Mickey's PhilharMagic.


S: Which you loved.

K: Yes, I did love it! It's cute and funny, and I wanted to hold Ariel's hand and I waved to Aladdin and Jasmine. Lynn told us to go on it a thousand times. I wouldn't go that far, but it's a really fun 3-D movie. What'd you think of it?

S: Uh... It was good for kids. I don't know, nothing much. I learned a lot about Donald.

K: Like what?

S: Just that he's kind of, I don't know, I just didn't know anything about his personality. I didn't realize he was such a curmudgeon.

K: He's a bit of a dickhead. But he loves dessert! Remember when that kid sat next to me the second time, and kept talking the entire time?

S: That was cute.

K: He said, "Goofy's such a weirdo."

S: And he is.


K: Overall, I don't think you enjoyed the Magic Kingdom very much.

S: Yeah, it was my least favorite park. And my worst experience was there.

K: Which was?

S: Splash Mountain.

K: Oh, I thought you were gonna say when you kept getting diarrhea.

S: Second worst, then.

K: Should I keep that in there?

S: If you want.

K: Done!

S: Wait... Are people gonna think you're serious?

K: I don't know.

On that note, we'll call it a day. Just one more park, Animal Kingdom, which, if you'll pardon a spoiler, was a really good time.

Post-Disney Interview with Sarah (Part II)

Where many were, how few remain
Of old familiar things;
But seeing them, to mind again
The lost and absent brings.

The friends I left that parting day,
How changed, as time has sped!
Young childhood grown, strong manhood gray,
And half of all are dead.
-from "My Childhood's Home I See Again,"
by Abraham Lincoln

I no longer call it EPCOT Center. It's now just EPCOT. I hit this weird place during our vacation, when I realized it isn't my favorite park anymore.

The park I loved, EPCOT Center, no longer exists. Out of all the old rides from Future World, only one remains (I don't count Living With the Land since they got rid of the song). The World of Motion, Horizons, the real Journey Into Imagination, they're all gone. EPCOT Center is gone. There's only EPCOT now.

What did it for me was seeing a bunch of nostalgic vintage replica EPCOT Center shirts they made for the 25th Anniversary, and oh, that pissed me off. Because I was wearing an authentic version of one of the shirts they were selling. Ouch. So it goes.


But enough about me, let's see Sarah's take on EPCOT Center. I mean EPCOT.

K: So what'd you think of EPCOT? We went twice!

S: Are you interviewing me?

K: Yeah.

S: I thought it was interesting. It had different stuff that wasn't very Disney. The other parks had a lot of cartoon mice and ducks.

K: But the Mexico ride [now called El Gran Fiesta Starring The Three Caballeros] had crap like that. Too much Donald Duck, nothing about Mexico. It's more tourist-y than ever, since Donald plays the role of a ridiculous and embarrassing tourist.


S: Yeah, I could kind of see the shadow that you described to me of what it used to look like.

K: Let's go back to the front of the park. Did you like Spaceship Earth? We went on it twice. [And it's still good! I like the changes they made, and Dame Judi Dench can really tell a story about human communication. And they make stuff like this:]


S: It was kind of relaxing.

K: That's what most of the rides at EPCOT Center used to be like. Did you enjoy Soarin' [which, by the way, is pretty fun, but very short. My reaction here is way exaggerated. Also, note that authentic shirt.]?


S: Mm-hmm, because it's something I don't ever get to do. It's like an experience I never get to have, yet not scary and doesn't make me want to throw up.

K: What about the Imagination ride?

S: I don't think I liked that.

K: Me neither.

S: I didn't actually learn anything. What were they trying to say, what was the message there? I know they were trying to teach about imagination, but it was very vague.

K: And half-assed. I wish you could've seen the old ride.

S: Plus, Figment was kind of a weirdo.

K: Well, he's different. He's no longer voiced by Billy Barty.

S: Yeah, he's a little too puckish for my taste. And forceful. He was trying to order me around.

K: You didn't see the real Figment.


K: The real Figment was created by the Dreamfinder, not by Dr. Nigel Channing of the Imagination Institute. He used to have a dash of childish delight, not be a loose cannon. Also, let me add that the above pin pisses me off. Don't have merchandise for rides you've DESTROYED FOREVER. Anyway. What else did we do, did you like Living with the Land?

S: Yep, because it's in a boat and it was relaxing and there are dragonfruits. And there was a little boy who said, "Mom, look, a stone alligator!" And it had nothing to do with the ride, it was just a long stone. And he was looking at the fish instead of the alligators.

[Sarah enjoys people-watching more than actual rides.]

K: You seemed to enjoy Club Cool, the place where they give samples of foreign sodas.

S: That was fun, that was a highlight. I don't like or drink soda, but again, it was an experience I don't normally get to have. And it was nice of them to give me something for free, and I really wish this country had watermelon or apple or lemon soda, 'cause those were good.

K: I did like the lemon soda a lot. I drank so much soda!

S: And I didn't mind the disgusting one, it wasn't the worst.

K: Ugh, the Italian aperitif. It has a cologne-like aftertaste! But I drank it in honor of the father of one of my students (it was his favorite drink). Club Cool used to be "cooler" when there was snow and a caveman, but I do like that place. Test Track!


S: That was the sickest I got on a ride. If there had been one more turn, I would've felt ill.

K: You're a baby. How about Mission: Space?

S: That was a bit funny because we went on it with a little kid.

K: And that kid sucked! He didn't help out at all with our VERY IMPORTANT mission to space.

S: We would've been goners if he had been on our crew. I felt very unsafe with him as our Navigator.

K: Yeah, what a stupid kid. But otherwise, I was sorely disappointed. It's boring! (Though we did go on the weak-ass version.)

S: Yeah, and I'm glad we did. Lynn said they didn't have the two versions when she went to EPCOT, they only had the orange level.

K: Someone died, that's why they changed it. I think that covers it for Future World. Let's move on to the World Showcase. Did you like the Norway ride?

S: Yeah, it was kind of mild, though.

K: But they had trolls! And Vikings!


S: There wasn't actually a lot to it.

K: You're right. Just Vikings to trolls to polar bears to, like, oil rig, and then the movie. There's no story to it. Speaking of stories, you didn't like the American Adventure.

S: (Shakes her head.) I didn't. (pause) I didn't hate it.

K: Why didn't you like it?

S: I guess 'cause I don't like history. Or cheesy music.

K: Wait, you didn't like when they did the Civil War segment, with the two brothers on their way, one wore blue and one wore gray?

S: Yeah, I did, but you'd told me about that already.

K: Crap. (Pause.) And then at the end they added Run-DMC and, like, who else...

S: Tony Hawk. That was a little odd.

K: ...yeah, to the roll call of 20th century American heroes. And that was about all we did in the World Showcase, other than Reflections of China, the Circle-Vision 360 movie.

S: Which was awesome.

K: Why?

S: Another new thing [it's a movie theatre in the round], and it was really beautiful.


K: And you love China. Though I did think it was weird that they computer-generated a beard over the narrator's mouth so they could change the opening lines.

S: I would like to see it again to see what you're talking about.

K: It's too bad we didn't see the new Canadian Circle-Vision 360 movie. The old one made no sense. Now it's hosted by Martin Short. Oh, we saw Miyuki, the Japanese candy artist.

S: I liked that, it was fun to watch, but the things she was saying were a bit bizarre.

K: "Is candy, yum-yum, treat for you. One minute after." That's their patter, though. I saw her seven years ago (psst, it was a different Miyuki) and she spoke the same way. And what about the Japanese shop?

S: I actually liked the Japanese and Chinese shops. I wonder if that's just because I've lived in Asia and I've studied the languages and whatnot. All the stores were, like, Americanized version for tourists, but there was something about the aesthetic, and also, they were bigger.

K: And they didn't have, like, Mickey Mouse and pins and crap like that.

S: Yeah, I guess not.

K: We bought of stuff there. A lamp... A really great mug... Some Darumas... Snacks... Um, that's probably it.


S: I actually liked the World Showcase, because it's foreign, new. Plus, the best meal I had the whole trip was in Morocco.

K: Yeah, that's one of my favorite places to eat. And we got to listen to that Moroccan fusion band. And took this pretty picture...


S: Oh, also, I saw a manatee.

K: That's true! We forgot to talk about The Seas with Nemo and Friends!

S: Yeah, that's when you became six years old. When we were waiting in line for the Nemo ride, you said "Nemo, Nemo" repeatedly, I would say maybe 100 times.

K: It's very fun to say. I don't even like that movie, but I love saying his name. And they had Nemos there! Real Nemos!


S: And then after we got inside, you kept saying, "Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! Sharks!"

K: Well, they had sharks there.


S: You were also excited about the dolphins. They were cool.

K: Yeah, that was really exciting. I shouted, "Ooh, dolphins!" in a ridiculous-but-genuine voice. They had real dolphins swimming around. They're really big!

Sadly, I couldn't get a picture of the dolphins, they swim too fast. And no manatee pics, either - they look like majestic turds, and I couldn't get a good pic of their faces.

Going into this interview, I was kind of depressed (Lincoln's poetry does that to me), but by the end, I was accepting. "The Future World is born today," after all, and change comes to everything... even the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow.

Next time: The Magic Kingdom!

Post-Disney Interview with Sarah (Part I)

We're back! And we're sick (cough, cough)... but not sick of Disney!

You can probably guess my thoughts about the vacation, but since it was Sarah's first time experiencing the magic, I thought it'd be fun to interview her.

K: How do you think we got sick?

S: Some little kid.

K: I thought it might be the water from Splash Mountain. Speaking of which, what'd you think of that ride?


[BTW, all pics are mine.]

S: I didn't like it. It was too scary. I don't like being put into situations where I feel as if I'm possibly not going to survive.

K: But you seemed happy afterward.

S: Because I lived.

K: OK.

S: I would not do it again.

K: OK. What'd you think of MGM [actually now called Disney's Hollywood Studios]? That's where we went on the first day.

S: It was all right. I think it had a lot of potential.

K: What do you mean?

S: It could've been cool, they could've done a lot more cool stuff. They copped out. Like the place we ate at [the ABC Commissary]. The names of the dishes had to do with shows on ABC. That's kind of a cop-out. You were telling me earlier that even when you're on your way from one place to another, you still feel like you're in the park. [MGM] wasn't like that. There's not a lot of atmosphere.


K: No, it's really the most ghetto of the WDW theme parks. I think a park atmosphere set up to look like a studio lot is gonna disappoint - they're all just big, empty buildings. Anyway, what did you like there?

S: Tower of Terror. Not because I enjoyed it...

K: Uh-huh? But why?

S: Because it's got an interesting story. It's the thing that I saw over the weekend, I think, that had the best, most cohesive story.

K: And what was that story?

S: Well, just when you walk into the park, there's ads for the hotel, they're old and faded. Then when you see the hotel, it doesn't look like the pictures, it's old and decrepit. And then you hear the story of what happened to the people. And then even on the ride, they're telling a story.


K: So it's not like The Great Movie Ride, which is a collection of unrelated scenes, or Star Tours, which makes no friggin' sense - why are you showing up in the middle of a battle against the Death Star, anyway? But back to the Tower of Terror - what about the drop?

S: (pause) Um... It's kind of interesting.

K: Did you think you were going to die?

S: I didn't think I really would, 'cause I kept on seeing all the little kids in line and remembering that however many hundreds of people do this every day, you know, I didn't really think I was going to, but I felt fear. I don't want to do something that could result in feeling like I'm going to die, but while I was doing it, no, it wasn't scary. I'd ride it again.

K: Why?

S: Because I didn't notice a lot of things, I was too busy being scared.

K: And you wouldn't be scared next time?

S: No, I'll be a little scared.

K: What about Toy Story Mania [a new ride, and the most awesome thing at MGM - I loved it! We both did. It's like a game that you ride, but miles better than the Buzz Lightyear ride at the Magic Kingdom. I love it so much!]?


S: That was fun, and everybody coming out of it was happy. Every type of person enjoyed it, no one was crying. Except it was the longest wait we had.

K: Yeah, we gotta FastPass that next time. What did you think about Fantasmic?

S: The light show? I didn't care for it.

K: Why not?

S: It made no sense, it had no story, it didn't feel like Disney, it felt like that weird light show from Singapore.

K: Yeah, I really don't like Fantasmic. It makes no sense.

S: It was, like, I don't know, written by three-year-olds or something? No, it was just really weird.


K: Yeah, Disney villains take over Mickey's imagination... Jafar turns into a giant snake and chases Mickey Mouse... Pocahontas is in it and fights the English, it's just random.

S: Not a fan.

K: Me neither. Any final thoughts on MGM?

S: No.

K: That's funny.

S: Why? It's all a blur, I don't have any over-arching things to say, I just have small things. Except, actually, I think that was the park with the worst hats. I would say, like, three-quarters of the people there had ridiculous hats on.

K: Like me. [I had on my mouse ears.]

S: Oh, and you were about 12 years old that day, because when we first got there, you were leading me around by the hand, and I had to catch up to you and tell you to wait. And you started getting really excited when the Mr. Potato Head broke [at Toy Story Mania]. I think you jumped up and down.

K: I did! It broke! That was great! That was SO funny. He just shut down and stood still for, like, 15 minutes. (Laughs)

S: At first it said the same things twice.

K: Oh, right! That's when I knew it would break! And it did! Stupid Mr. Potato Head!


In the park's defense, we didn't go on a lot of the tours or shows, and really only did about half the things they offer. But I still maintain that it's a little bit lame-ass.

Next time: EPCOT Center, and why I can no longer call it my favorite park (this breaks my heart to write).

3 Days Till Disney!

Someone asked me last night when I was gonna post about the Disney-MGM Studios (although I guess now it's called the Disney Hollywood Studios).

Well, here's the thing... I'm not. I'm just not psyched about that particular park, and there's a chance that we might skip it entirely. Here's why (and if you disagree or I'm forgetting something, please comment)...

- The Great Movie Ride. Boring! I guess it has a few good moments (mostly when you're onboard the Nostromo - I won't go into details because Sarah is reading this), but it's pretty meh.

- Star Tours. No, I don't like Star Tours. "If they should bar tours, let them bar Star Tours," as Bill Murray might have sang. It's just a motion simulator ride with pretty dated technology. And I know all the merch will be prequel and Clone Wars specific, so it will suck. The only good thing about Star Tours is waiting in line, which, I'll admit, is really awesome.

- They got rid of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Play It! When I used to live in Florida, I would go to MGM every 30 days and play this over and over until I got put into the hot seat. Then I'd win some pins and a hat, maybe a shirt if I was lucky, and sell it on eBay. That's partly how I made a living. Now that it's gone, eff it! (Though I should wear that shirt some time during the trip.)

- They got rid of Disney's Doug Live! The absolute best stage show ever made ever. I have most of the songs memorized and have it on audiocassette somewhere. It was so good and sweet, I miss it. And I would've played Porkchop if they hadn't shut it down, and yeah, I'm still bitter about that.

- What else is there in this craphole? Oh, yeah, you know my feelings about the Rock'n'Roller Coaster, and the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror never did it for me. It's just a freefall ride, all gussied up. My favorite part (again, no spoilers) is really cool, but way too brief. They need more of that [spoiler] and fewer drops! Also, it TOTALLY kills the suspension of disbelief when you look out over Florida instead of 1930s California.

- Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular? No, thanks! When, oh, when will they put in Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye? That Disneyland ride is SO amazing! Seriously, the #2 Ride in the World, I'd say (after the Spider-Man ride at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure).

- Fantasmic. I've heard it's amazing in Disneyland, but here... you have to cram into a huge amphitheatre, like, two hours before and it's a show that's... well, I'd rather have fireworks. This is just a lot of dancing characters and video shown on fountains of water and Jafar uttering the ridiculous line, "Now I am the ruler of all Mickey's imagination!" It takes a LOT for Disney to do something that makes me go, "Well, that just doesn't make any sense whatsoever," but Fantasmic does that to me.

- And the rest. While I enjoy Voyage of the Little Mermaid, The Magic of Disney Animation and even the Backlot Studio Tour (please, oh, please tell me they still have that creepy-ass, faded painted wagon from Dumbo's Circus), I dunno if Sarah would enjoy them that much. Maybe she would, she likes intellectual things.

- Oh, crap. I forgot about Muppet*Vision 3D. Crap! OK, I guess we're going to MGM.

4 Days Till Disney!

As Liz commented on in the last entry, I gotta throw a shout-out to Aloha Isle Refreshments (sponsored by Dole), conveniently located in Adventureland.

For most of my life, I'd never eaten one of these. I'd heard stories, but since most of my trips were on a shoestring budget, I wouldn't buy any food.

Then, last year during a once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage to The Price is Right, my brother and I also visited Disneyland and got one of these, and you know what? It really hit the spot. That's one of the memories I have from my very memorable first visit to Disneyland, sitting on a bench eating ice cream with my brother.

Like they say, it's the little things.

- Delicious pineapple-themed snacks, what more do you need? Ice cream, probably skewers, juice, and all sorts of crazy combinations thereof. There are a ton of refreshment stands throughout the parks, but this is one of the most famous... for good reason. In fact, the only other one I can think of off the top of my head is that goddamned McDonald's French Fries wagon near the Frontierland/Adventureland border.
- I imagine pineapples are vegan, so there'll be something on the menu for Sarah. She loves snacks, too!
- Those benches are in the primo people-watching area of Main Street USA and Adventureland. I LOVE watching people on vacation, they're either absolutely wonderful or horribly grotesque. I remember sitting at that bench in Disneyland, watching kids crying for ice cream, parents denying them in nice ways and awful ways, people sitting and enjoying the park and people sitting and having a terrible time. I'm always amazed at how unhappy people can get over stupid, little things, especially at a place like Disney World. I wish I could say Dole Whips fix everything, but some people just can't be fixed.
- It's right by the Enchanted Tiki Room, and though I won't visit the Florida version (I disagree with its New Management), there are terrific pictures of parrots drinking pineapple juice, which I find delightfully absurd. Birds can't drink pineapple juice!

Liz, you wanna chime in on this?

(And I know the pic is from Disneyland, it's still the best thing I could find.)

5 Days Till Disney!

Holy crap, SpectroMagic is back!

By now it shouldn't come as any surprise that I'm the type of person who loves a parade. On paper, they sound lame, because it's sitting on a street corner watching people walk by, but in practice, whoo boy, they're so much fun!

I feel bad that Sarah won't get to experience the now-retired Main Street Electrical Parade, because I can't imagine a life lived without seeing and hearing it at least once, but SpectroMagic is absolutely nutz. Nothing gets me more psyched than a parade that can simultaneously creep me out and, as Mitchell would say, "turn my legs to putty."

- The whole concept is so bizarre. It's like a late 70s/early 80s revamp of the Main Street Electrical Parade. Everyone wears white futuristic-y outfits with lights in them. It's just so retro, who came up with this idea, who approved it, and why did they bring it back?!
- There are all these weird, white-masked people. They don't exist in any Disney movie or film, but they're all over this parade, grinning with frozen, hollow faces. I hope that one day, when the demons come and kill us all, they look like these things.
- Disney princesses! I think they're delightful and a little bit dreamy. I used to know a bunch of them (one even reads this blog), and even though my friends have long since retired, it's fun to see the new princesses... if only to go, "Really? They cast HER? With those cheekbones?"
- I'm like a baby, I find it very satisfying to wave at people. Usually the people on the floats are just waving generically into the crowd, sometimes at kids, but when someone waves back and you make eye contact, it's this nice shared experience. I gain satisfaction from someone waving at me in the same way I feel good when I'm the last person applauding at a show.
- The music is really fantastic. I could say this about nearly every ride/show at the Walt Disney World Resort, actually. However, I think I've only seen SpectroMagic maybe once, but I still clearly remember the tune and most of the lyrics, that's how catchy it is. Writing down the lyrics helps me understand the parade's theme a bit more: "On this magic night / A million stars will play beside us / Cast a spell of light / Glimmering, shimmering, carousel-ling." And there's even this weird children's chorus in it, always a plus.

This has been a pretty creepy post, but I think that's fair, considering the subject.

Five days!!! To misquote Mitchell, "if God could grant me one wish, it would be to spend more time at Walt Disney World."

7 Days Till Disney!

"We've gathered here tonight around the fire, as people of all lands have gathered for thousands and thousand of years before us: to share the light and to share a story. An amazing story, as old as time itself, but still being written. And though each of us has our own individual story to tell, a true adventure emerges when we bring them all together as one.

I hope you enjoy our story tonight: Reflections of Earth."

That's what's said by an aged narrator (who I think might be God or Father Time or a friendlier version of Uatu the Watcher) at the beginning of the best fireworks show I've ever seen, EPCOT Center's Illuminations: Reflections of Earth.

I seriously love fireworks, they're like great big booming cannonball fights where, instead of people dying, the sky turns pretty, and seriously, I get so psyched over fireworks displays you'd think I'm John Lithgow. But Reflections of Earth is the only one that can make me cry.

- This show is just the perfect way to end a day at EPCOT Center. All day long you've experienced ideas of today giving birth to tomorrow (the over-arching theme of Future World, the front half of the park) and the ideas of global brotherhood (as shown in the World Showcase), and now you see these themes explode! As fireworks! In improv terms, it's the ultimate third beat!
- Surrounding the World Showcase Lagoon are all these giant torches, and when the narrator finishes his opening monologue, he blows them out, and whoosh, they're extinguished! I love that part.
- Not that I plan to do this, but leaving a theme park during a fireworks show is an amazing experience. Imagine walking through a sea of people, all of them facing one direction, all looking to the sky with a look of awe and wonder on their faces, as multi-colored lights and shadows dance across the populace. And you're the only person doing something different. Absolutely amazing. Incidentally, that's what inspired me to write my infamous (and unpublishable) role-playing game, Press Ne Presents: Chaos in Disney!, as a chemical fallout from the fireworks turned everyone into a mind-controlled horde.
- The music, and I know I sound like a sap saying this, but it's really, really beautiful. At the end, this woman sings, "We go on to the joy and through the tears, we go on to discover new frontiers [like space!]."
- I guess there's something I like about shared experiences with huge groups of people. I find it very satisfying to be there with all these families from across the world, people of all ages, watching these fireworks together. Once the show is done, people are back to their own individual vacations, but for these 30 minutes (I think it's that long), we're all united. And there are always those people who decide to go on rides during Illuminations, because the lines are much shorter, but what I love is that when they exit the ride, they look over to the lagoon, and there's always a look of longing and some regret at what they missed.
- Afterwards, while all those suckers exit through the front of the park, I'll be one of the few who take the secret back route near France. Enjoy the long lines, suckers! Sarah and I will be taking an empty bus to Downtown Disney (unless we're really tired).

I can't believe I'll be there in less than a week! By this time next week, I'll be on that empty bus (assuming we go to EPCOT Center on the first day, and further assuming we're not really tired).

8 Days Till Disney!

Don't be fooled by this picture of scenic Southern tranquility. This is actually the Riverside Mill, the food court at Port Orleans: Riverside (the hotel where we'll be staying).

I love hotels! I love everything about 'em - room service, weird towels, different bed, crazy air conditioners, key cards, they're great. I love 'em so much that they make me want to pull a John Waters and start doing the pony.

And Port Orleans: Riverside (or, as I still call it, Dixie Landings), is by far my favorite of Disney's Moderate hotels. It's got so much more character than its twin hotel, Port Orleans: French Quarter (or, as it used to be called, just Port Orleans), which has a Mardis Gras theme.

I only have moments to blog about what gets me psyched before the urge to dance will take over, so this'll be quick.

- Seeing if Ahn still works at the Riverside Mill. He was a cashier there almost a decade ago, but a very nice man who pronounced cream cheese as "cream chee" and once gave us a small cup, free of charge, "for water," he said with a wink. (You usually have to pay for a cup to use the soda fountain. I believe Ahn kindly gave us the little one, fully expecting us to fill it with free soda.)
- That Japanese channel! I once stayed up all night watching some marathon of a soap opera or drama... and I'm still not sure what it was about.
- The channel that's all about Disney park info! I'm sure they've revamped it since 2001, but I do hope they still sing "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, tip for today." Most of those tips are for n00bs ("Have a good time! Stay together") but it's the de facto background channel.
- Having two double beds! One gets all your luggage and crap, and the other is for relaxing and jumping on and breaking.
- The ridiculous water pressure in their showers! Nothing is better than coming back after a day in the park, being very tired, sweaty and dirty and sore from a day of walking, throwing your clothes into the dirty clothes bag, and taking a kick-ass shower.
- The statues of Huey, Dewey and Louie in the gift shop. There's something that makes me laugh/cringe when I see Disney characters dressed up in faux Southern nostalgic outfits. Like, I just want to ask, "But what about slavery?" Then I like to imagine, say, Goofy dressed up as Abraham Lincoln (I choose Goofy only because he's the tallest), and then getting assassinated by Donald Duck as John Wilkes Booth.

OK, that image pushed me over the edge, I gotta dance.

Eight days!!!!

9 Days Till Disney!

"Like a grand and miraculous spaceship, our earth has sailed through the universe of time. And for a brief moment, we have been among its many passengers."

So begins one of the finest rides of all time, Spaceship Earth. For those who don't know, Spaceship Earth is the big ball at EPCOT Center (I'll be damned if I'll just call it EPCOT), and it tells the history of communication, from cave drawings to the printing press to the near future.

Above is the mural right outside the entrance. I love it. It's my laptop's wallpaper.

There's so many things I love about Spaceship Earth! Writing them down might overload the Psych-odometer, but Dr. Latham assures me that one can never get too psyched, so let's go.

- New narration! Even though I loved Jeremy Irons' soothing voice, I'm excited to see what changes they've brought to the script, and (possibly) to the scenes set in the near future. I think the new narrator is Dame Judy Dench, but I'm not sure, and I'm avoiding reading about it so everything will be a surprise for me.
- The smell of burning Rome. One of Julie's favorite smells, she always says they should put a restaurant up there.
- That creepy kid selling newspapers.
- Remembering the old song "Tomorrow's Child," which has been gone for years and years. This was how they used to depict the future, with weird silhouettes of children and one of the most inspiring lyrics ever, "The future world is born today." It makes me want to run around and do something for humanity, even if it's just making videos about a talking cake from outer space. "We're alive!" it makes me want to scream. "We're alive and even if things are sucky right now, eff it, we're alive and we can do something with our lives! We're all in this together! Yes, we can! Year of Yes!"
- Siemens is now the sponsor for Spaceship Earth (taking over from AT&T), so I'm interested to see what the new post-ride exhibit will be. I was never that in love with AT&T's Global Village, though Julie and I used to make crank calls with their giant weird phone that made animal noises.
- When the narrator says, "The theatre was born."
- When the future teacher says, "Try a dragonfly." I bet this part is gone, because it was always weird and never made sense. It was some weird classroom where they were designing a spaceship that's similar to a bug, and they try bees and then the teacher suggests the dragonfly, and it loops forever, and that's where the ride always stops when I'm on it so I go through the loop 18 times.
- The absolute money shot of the ride, which I won't spoil for Sarah, but it's when you reach the apex of the ball. I hope the script hasn't changed, and I'm sure the music has, and I hope it still has the same power as it used to.

Nine days!!!!!!!!!!!

10 Days Till Disney!

Who is this handsome fellow?

Why, he's one of the bats that hold the velvet ropes in the Haunted Mansion queue!

I probably mentioned this before, but the Haunted Mansion is my absolute favorite ride in the Magic Kingdom. I was scared of it as a kid, and it still makes me a bit nervous when I'm waiting in line outside, right before we enter the foyer, because I know some day, something is gonna go wrong and those ghosts are gonna be real.

So what about the Haunted Mansion makes my psych-odometer go nutz?

- Changes! I haven't been to Disney World since 2001, so I believe there's now an Escher-like room, amongst other things. Also, I've only seen the California version of the new Attic Bride.
- Haunted Mansion maids! I love 'em! I love their costumes, I want one so damn bad.
- The familiar wolf howl as you make that right turn in Liberty Square. So melancholy.
- The improved seance room!
- The immediate change in temperature as you enter the foyer.
- Looking at (and being disappointed by) the Haunted Mansion merch. Weird, I know, but I'm psyched to see all the lame stuff they're selling.
- Shrinking back into my Doombuggy as we hit the attic and graveyard, because those ghosts that pop out at you still make me jump.
- The gargoyles in the stretching room - I missed those guys.
- Telling everyone to look up so they don't miss the hanging corpse of Master Gracey.
- The one kid that's gonna start crying immediately. I laugh at that kid's cowardice. Trust me, when something finally goes wrong and the ghosts become real, that kid's dead!

Sarah said that every day, as this vacation gets closer, I become a little bit younger, and it's true. I just want to run around and scream all the time.

11 Days Till Disney!

I spend a lot of my lunchbreak just looking at flickr pics of Disney World and EPCOT Center to psyche myself up.

In an attempt to break the Psych-odometer (an invention of Dr. Lanny Latham), I'll try and post a pic a day.


Norway! An amazing ride (with Vikings, polar bears, and even an oil derrick), an amazing movie, an amazing country.

Things about Norway that get me psyched...

- The giant troll in the gift store
- The Vikings exhibit, which I've never seen.
- When the troll on the ride goes, "Disappear, disappear!"
- The part in the movie when the ballerinas realize they're being filmed and one smiles shyly (one of my all-time favorite moments of all time).
- Troll merch.